Being on maternity leave does not make you a housewife...

*warning: This blog post includes mild angriness and ranting


Housewife: A married woman who manages her own household
Maternity leave: Leave of absence for the birth and care of a baby


There we go.


I am currently on maternity leave with a baby and also caring for a toddler around 3 days a week. My role is to look after children and, most importantly, get to know my new baby and care for him. This mainly involves changing nappies, breastfeeding and outfit changes for us both when one of the first 2 tasks gets messy. When I have time, it also includes getting excited when a child does something 'exciting' such as finish a jigsaw for the thousandth time or punch himself in the face (hand-eye coordination dontcha know).


Sometimes, on a really good day, I manage to put a load of washing on before going to playgroup (a form of torture but at least it involves biscuits) or cook a meal (not just my forte, "toast"). But I am not at home to 'manage the household', I have better things to do with my time with my children. Yes, the bathroom has various other life forms beginning to thrive in it, the bins are overflowing and don't get me started on the raisins and breadstick crumbs about the place.


But childhood is about playing and making mess and children love their parents to play with them. And during the magical nap time (I have amazing children that often nap at the same time!) I enjoy eating lunch with 2 hands, having a wee (yes that is a luxury!) and lying down. After all, I have been up since 3am with the baby.


So please don't ask me to do a list of useful jobs and don't think that when I'm sat breastfeeding that I count it as 'relaxing time'. Maybe once the kids are both in school I will tackle the mess. But for now I will enjoy life and watching them grow up. Live in the moment. Or sometimes just hide in my happy place when a toddler tantrum coincides perfectly with random baby screaming time.


Now where is the wine?!

Dummies and other 'bad habits'

Dummies are very much a marmite topic with most people. Before I had children, I was against them, thinking they were a sign of lazy parenting. I mainly just didn't like seeing children running around the park with dummies in, or trying to talk to you whilst sucking a dummy. As a child, I was a thumb sucker when I was little but soon grew out of it, especially in public.


Becoming a parent completely changed my attitude. I realised that everyone parents differently, there is no right or wrong way, and you just do whatever you can to cope some days. Dummies these days are well designed to not to mess up their teeth and look quite cute. Plus it is much easier to wean children off a dummy than their thumb, you can't take away their digits!


Both of my children use dummies to settle them and calm them down. They have been wonderful for helping us all get more sleep and for stopping any screaming when trying to drive! However, I still don't like them to suck on dummies in public as they don't need the comfort and I don't want to hinder their speech. But I understand we're not all the same and don't judge other mums who do this any more!


The same can be said for so many other things, letting children watch tv (cbeebies is actually quite enjoyable and educational!), eat orange foods (I lived on orange foods and turned out fine) and even combining these two. Feeding children is a horrible trial some days and you will do anything to get them to eat!


The main thing I have learnt is that doing these so-called 'bad habits' to happier children and much less stressed parents. So just do whatever helps and enjoy your children :)

Feeling like a person and not just a mum

I love being a mummy, don't get me wrong. I love the cuddles and kisses, snuggling in bed in the morning reading books, watching their joy at learning new things and general silliness. But I do miss being "Sam", the biochemist, squash and hockey player, wife and friend always up for a giggle.


Someone recently told me that during a 30min break when her kids were napping, instead of doing the housework, she painted her nails. I know it doesn't sound like much, but that ability to be selfish and take some time for yourself is so admirable when you have kids. So here are some of my ideas for making yourself feel more like a person:


- Put on a pretty dress, even if it's just to potter around the house
- Have a bubbly bath, lock the door behind you and have a glass of something nice to drink
- Go for a walk alone. My favourite thing is having both hands free for a bit!
- Do some gardening. The kids can 'help' relatively easily and you get a lovely sense of satisfaction
- Meet up with friends who don't have children and enjoy some proper adult conversation!


I am now sporting some pretty nails and feeling like me again. Any other ideas I can add to my list would be very appreciated!

Part 2: The home birth experience

Due date: We had planned our home birth experience, there was a pile of clean towels in the cupboard, along with all the other home birth essentials, a birth pool, hosepipe, sieve (purpose unknown...), snacks for mummy, energy drinks and straws. The drawer was neatly stocked with baby clothes (boy and girl ones as we kept the gender a surprise). The one thing missing was the baby. To avoid well-meaning pestering from friends and family, we kept the due date a secret and so it turned out to be a pleasant day. I had a visit from the One to One Midwife and a sweep to see if we could get things moving, and then went for a playdate with friends. Running around the park certainly helped to keep my mind busy and get my muscles warmed up! That evening, we sat down to watch the Bake Off and I felt those familiar twinges begin.

Around 1am, I gave up on sleep as I was too excited and contracting every 10 minutes. Within 10 minutes of getting up, my contractions had sped up and gotten much stronger. Time to phone the midwife and wake up the husband! Foolishly, I told the midwife I didn't need her yet (what a martyr) and created a cosy birthing atmosphere with candles, fresh lavender, etc while husband pumped up the pool.





By 1:50am the contractions were thick and fast and I realised that, without the midwife, I had no access to pain relief and paracetamol weren't going to cut it! Quick phonecall to her then back to pacing the living room and trying to remember to breathe (much harder than it sounds!)

2:30am: The midwife showed up, thrusting gas and air into my outstretched arms before unpacking her essentials. And then the pushing began. The whole process was much easier second time around, mainly because I knew each stage would end soon and there would be a baby at the end.

3am: The second midwife arrived just as Alex's head emerged, that has got to be the most awkward first introduction that I will ever encounter! And then he was born, right in our living room with me and my husband on the sofa. Sadly we didn't get to use the pool as it was only a foot deep, those things take forever to fill. It was also filled with red-hot water so wouldn't have been very relaxing but did create a lovely steamy atmosphere for the baby.

The beans meeting each other, and
the sofa looking as good as new!

The whole experience was so empowering, I felt in control for the whole thing. And, following the birth, we got to climb into our own bed. My favourite thing about home birth was that, as my contractions built, we weren't worrying about childcare for bean1, or whether there might be traffic on the way to hospital, or if I'd remembered to pack toothpaste. We simply sent the midwife a quick 'heads up' text and climbed into bed for some rest before it all kicked off.

We didn't end up needing a lot of the "equipment" on the midwife's list. We used the towels and plenty of plastic sheeting to protect the sofa, the bucket was needed for when I threw up and to collect the placenta. As we never got round to using the birth pool, the hose wasn't used and we never found out the function of the sieve!

Part 1: Planning a home birth

My first pregnancy was a very straight-forward one and labour was equally textbook, only around 6 hours and I managed with just gas and air in the hospital. While the hospital environment didn't bother me during labour, I didn't enjoy the stay in hospital after the birth. Hours after giving birth to our little girl, my husband had to go home, leaving me pretty clueless and sore, The midwives leave you to it these days, I can understand they don't want to interfere, are very busy and want to encourage mums to get stuck in, but picking up a baby from those weird fishtank-style cots is difficult when all your bits and bobs are so sore!

Midwives seem to be getting younger and younger these days...

As bean1 decided to come on a very busy baby day, we had a bed squeezed onto a C-section ward and had to wait on the delivery suite for 5-6 hours before getting the bed. Plus the lift wasn't working so I had to carry her up a large flight of stairs, the water was off for the whole morning (so no flushing loos or running water for drinking or washing hands!) and there was only one paediatrician on, meaning the wait to be discharged was veeeeery long. All in all, there was a lot of uncomfortable waiting around when I just wanted to be at home with my new family. Plus, why do they make maternity wards soooo hot?!?!

How the long wait on the maternity ward made me feel!

So when I found out I was pregnant again, I decided to go down the home birth route. I signed up with the One to One midwives as I wanted to get to know the midwife who would be present and sadly this isn't possible with community midwives as you just get whoever is on call. I clicked with my lovely midwife straight away and she assured us that home birth doesn't mean that your house looks like a murder scene afterwards - this was our biggest worry!

A month before D-day, I was sent a list of things to buy. Some of the items were pretty scary, ranging from old towels and a hose to fill the birthing pool, to bendy straws (hopefully for drinking, I don't want to think what other purpose they could serve!), a sieve and a bucket.

Check back soon for Part 2: The home birth experience, to find out about how it went and what all the equipment was for, plus the state of our house afterwards and a run-down of my personal pros and cons of home births.

Things I have enjoyed about my child-free day

As bean2 is due anytime in the next few weeks, I have really been trying to relish any time away from bean1, guilt-free, before having 2 children (argh!!) becomes a reality. Today, bean1 is spending the day with my husband's family (but not the husband as he has been on holiday in the Caribbean all week!).


Normally, on a day off I might do some gardening, go for a bike ride or catch up with friends. However, being heavily pregnant means I can laze at home in pjs and eat biscuits so I haven't done much at all.


Here are some of my favourite things about being child-free for the day:
- going to the loo without having to tell someone/be followed and watched
- eating biscuits on the sofa, rather than stuffing them in my face with my head in a cupboard so bean1 doesn't see
- playing on my phone without someone demanding to look at "pic pics"
- doing a jigsaw and being able to drop pieces on the floor without panicking that they might get swallowed
- popping to the postbox in less than a minute (so much easier without the hassle of fighting a toddler into shoes, coat and out of the door, then back in without rearranging all the pebbles on the driveway)
- staying in bed til 8am. It could've been longer but my pregnancy bladder and stomach forced me out of bed!


Despite all this, I'm really looking forward to getting both child and husband back tomorrow. Breakfast was very lonely, I miss the giggles and tunnel-building fun, and the house is just too tidy!!

Time to pack my hospital bag!

Handy scrabble table!

Even though I'm planning a home birth (more about that in my next post!), I still need a hospital bag packed in case something goes wrong on the day, or if I go into labour whilst visiting family for the weekend. The bump is certainly starting to get big and so labour is becoming a more likely possibility. Also, 2 pregnant friends recently both had their babies 2 weeks early, and I don't fancy panic packing whilst in labour at 5am like one of them!

Enjoying a quiet weekend away, taking time to enjoy having a bump

I always love packing (is that weird?) and have packed a hospital bag once before with bean1, yet I couldn't remember anything about what I might need. Thank goodness for Google! I certainly learnt a few lessons from bean1 about the reality of birth and what I really need, such as:

• magazines and books were pointless, I don't think I sat down or could concentrate whilst in labour. Admittedly, it was a rather fast affair so maybe these would be good for longer labours
• don't bother packing makeup. I still don't know what I was thinking last time, I don't normally wear makeup so why would I bother when I'm busy forcing a baby out of my foof?!
• energy drinks are a must. My stomach couldn't handle food so these kept my sugar levels up. Plus, the bottles came in handy later when the hospital water supply was turned off all morning (don't ask, it was a nightmare and part of my decision for a home birth)
• things to keep the OH occupied: no way do I want him happily sat in the corner reading a good book or playing on his DS when he could be massaging me or being shouted at by me! Plus, his mobile always seems to keep him quiet for hours anyway

Here are the (almost final) contents of my bare-minimum hospital bag:

1. Toiletries: including toothbrush/paste, deodorant, vaseline, hairbrush, moisturiser (I'm still hoping that my OH might try pregnancy massage although that never happened last time...)
2. Eye mask and earplugs: I got a bed on the ward around 4am last time, and they turn on all the lights and get noisy at 7am so I had no chance of napping
3. Absorbent pads: for all the fun places that liquid seems to escape after having a baby. Pack plenty!
4. Baby clothes: I like to pack a couple of slightly different sized babygrow and vest, plus hat and mittens (even for an August baby apparently!), along with muslins and a blanket
5. Nappies and wipes. Again, pack plenty!
6. Maternity notes
7. Camera and phone charger (plus phone of course!)
8. Clothes for mummy: loose nightie, loose, comfy clothes, big pants, slipper socks and nursing bras
9. Sugary drinks and snacks: don't worry, I will pack plenty more into my bag nearer the time!

Wish me luck!!

Scattering ashes on Father's Day

We finally did it. After keeping my dad in a wardrobe for 3 and a half years, last weekend we finally managed to scatter his ashes. Sorry it took us so long dad, but we wanted to make it a lovely occasion. And it was.

But, no-one tells you what scattering ashes is really like. In the films, people grab a little handful each and artfully toss it into the wind, watching the cloud of dust float away and settle somewhere special. Believe me, it's not like that in real life.

Ok, we had a lovely weekend. All the extended family came to visit and finally got to meet Bean (plus many of her cousins who they hadn't had the pleasure of meeting before). We played games in the garden, enjoyed a BBQ in the sunshine (yes, the rain actually held off just long enough) and a picnic.

A select few of us went up to a beautiful spot on one of my dad's favourite walks in the Peak District, where we had put a bench in memorial, a gorgeous simple oak design with one of his favourite phrases inscribed, made by my very talented brother-in-law. And then it was time to "scatter the ashes". I will summarise the process here:

- Carry a large ugly plastic pot up to your beautiful chosen spot
- Check the wind direction (very very important, we nearly ended up with dad all over ourselves, which wasn't in his handover notes*)
- Stand around awkwardly waiting for someone to take control
- Pour the ashes on the ground. There was a lot of them and it was nothing like in the movies. Maybe we needed some background music...
- Carefully back away from the area so you don't stand on your beloved relative
- Enjoy a picnic and glass of bubbly, don't think about the fact that you haven't washed your hands since the above

*Yes, he actually wrote a whole folder of "handover notes" before he died, including the speeches to be read at his funeral and how to look after the garden. A control freak to the end and we will always miss his organisational skills, not to mention his bear hugs and generous, kind spirit <3

10 survival tips for coping with a toddler and a new baby

As you probably know, I am expecting baby number 2 at the end of August. My first sproglet will be 21 months by then and I am sure she will take a bit of adjusting to the inevitable changes, including less attention, a grumpy tired mummy and twice as much screaming in the house.
To prepare for the upcoming blitzkrieg, I have been asking friends and family for tips on how to cope when adding a new baby into a household with a toddler. Here are some of my favourites:

1) Put the baby in a travel cot in the living room so it is out of reach of inquisitive pokey toddler fingers

2) Always have a bribe (snack!) on you to keep the toddler under control

3) Use a sling as much as possible

4) Make time to listen to what the toddler is trying to tell you

5) Have a secret stash of wrapped "presents" for the toddler, so they don't feel left out when people bring presents for the new baby - I might stock up at the local charity shop!

6) Read mummy blogs to stay sane and as a good reminder that you are not the only one struggling

7) Involve toddler with looking after the baby - but don't make it seem like a chore! I'm hoping bean1 will love fetching bits and entertaining bean2 with her singing and dancing

8) Accept any offers of help from friends and family

9) Games which can be played from the sofa are great for breastfeeding, such as I-spy, Simon Says, musical statues, anything on an iPad...

10) Get outside! A quick visit to the park, a playdate with friends or even some time in the garden will make you all feel refreshed and tire out the toddler. Fresh air also seems to relax babies (or at least make the screaming seem quieter)

Building dens and hiding under cushions are bean1's current favourite game!

And if it all fails, get a loan to pay for a nanny and just put your feet up for a bit!
I have also found a wonderful website with a suggested routine for when you have a baby and toddler http://www.contentedbaby.com/BabyandToddlerRoutine.htm

Do you have any good advice to add to this?

Things you don't want to hear as a mum!

Being pregnant has reminded me of all the annoying phrases that people always seem to insist on saying to you. I can't decide if "you're looking so big" is better or worse than "your bump is so small", especially when said to me by different people on the same day - obviously one of you is lying! Being too hot most of the time coupled with pregnancy hormones which seem to make even the smallest issue into a full-blown cry-fest, makes me wonder why people dare speak to me at all some days!

But don't get me wrong, I do usually enjoy the comments I get about the bump, conversations around whether it is a boy or girl, lots of people asking how I'm feeling and making sure I get offered slices of cake before anyone else. However, it has made me remember some of the comments I had about bean1 after she was born, particularly on days when PND combined with severe sleep deprivation made me even angrier than normal. Here are some of my biggest pet peeves:

- Is it a boy?
Seriously, someone once asked me this when she was dressed all in pink. If you really can't tell, say something ambiguous like "what a fab outfit" or "what beautiful eyes" and try to work out the sex in the ensuing conversation
- Hasn't she grown
Well duh!
- Cherish the time while she is still little
Worst thing to say ever. I lived most days hoping to just survive to the next day and I am amazed if anyone really can enjoy those first weeks/months of no sleep/being pooed and sicked on/incessant whingy noises
- Are you planning another one?
This is quite a personal question when you think about it, yet complete strangers feel like they are allowed to ask this

You think I look like a boy?! *facepalm*

I think a lot of people simply panic about what to say, hence the cliches, so here are some of my personal favourites:

- You're doing a great job
- What a gorgeous baby you have
- He/she has your eyes/hair/chin/whatever (always a lovely compliment as our babies are the most beautiful things ever to us!)
- Just follow your own instincts
- It gets easier (a lot of people have said the opposite to me, but I would rather you lie and say it gets better!)

What are your pet peeves? Can you recommend other things you wish people would say or that people have said which really made your day?

Afternoon tea with the Queen (a Buckingham Palace garden party)

I was fortunate enough to get an invite to a garden party at Buckingham Palace last week. The Queen holds a few of these every year and invites around 8,000 lucky people along each time to see her, a selection of other royals and enjoy some delicious tea and cake in the grounds.

 

Many people there were military types, but there were also a lot of religious people and people in uniform, being rewarded with cake (my favourite type of reward) for working hard. However, I felt like a fraud as a was simply a +1 to my lovely Auntie who works at the Palace.

The day started off with a typically British queue outside the Palace, with fancy hats and unsuitable shoes as far as the eye could see. We slowly funneled through the main entrance and out into the grounds. Being a greedy pregnant lady, I headed straight to the tea tent and consumed 2 piles of delicious sandwiches and beautiful miniature cakes*.

*note to self, don't put your cup of tea next to a chocolate mousse cake, especially when wearing a white dress!

Melted chocolate cake! Oops

Next, a lot of milling around waiting for the Queen to appear. When I spotted her, the baby gave some excited kicks, before she disappeared into the crowd (the Queen is very small and so you have no chance of seeing her unless you get to the front). She was wearing a classic minty green number with a matching umbrella, although we were very lucky and the rain held off all day. I guess I have little bean's dancing to thank for that!

Once the royalty had emerged and headed into their own tent (apparently to sit and look at the cake as they don't actually eat, I wish I had some of that self control!), I was introduced to Princess Alexandra. She seemed very friendly and interesting, although was in quite a rush as she had a big list of people to meet. I think I managed a sort-of curtsy, but it was probably more of a embarrassing half-collapse.

We wandered around the grounds, the gardens are massive and you don't feel like you are in the centre of London. They even have tennis courts! Then back to the tents to watch the royals walk back into the Palace, we got a front row spot and saw the Queen up close this time.

  

Overall, it was a wonderful day out. The highlights were getting dressed up, the amazing cakes and seeing the Queen. Negatives included a lack of seating (partially due to people 'saving' chairs and a disregard for elderly/pregnant people), and being dressed up. I don't think I've worn heels for years and the bump did not enjoy being stuffed into a non-maternity dress already!

Thank you Queenie for having me round to your house, you're always welcome to mine. We have plenty of seats and my husband makes great scones, although our garden is slightly smaller!

Work:life:mum balance

Many people talk about trying to get that perfect balance, and the 'mummy guilt' that plagues us all in the hunt for this nirvana. Well, from all my research and attempts to reach that balance, I can firmly conclude that... it doesn't exist!

On paper, my balance right now is perfect for me. I work 3 days a week in the office which gives me 3 lovely days of sitting down, drinking hot drinks, not having to hide in the kitchen when I want to eat a snack, and plenty of adult conversation. Plus, my favourite thing, colleagues to acknowledge my hard work and other ways to measure if a day has been successful. I then get 2 days with bean all to myself, we can go wherever, whenever and see whoever (well, all around the strict 12-2 naptime, life is not worth living without this!).

This all sounds pretty perfect, right? But somehow, my brain seems stuck in 'the grass is always greener on the other side' mode. At work, I yearn after my little bean, wish I was with her and spend far too long looking at photos of her (or demanding that nana sends me photos of her every hour). And at home, I just wish I could have the perks I get at work.

The below page from the Ladybird book "The Mum" totally sums up my fears as a stay at home mum. I will be stood at the school gates, safe in the knowledge that I have a PhD and have contributed to important research into a cure for cancer, yet all I will be judged on is the behaviour and ability of my sproglets. Which is ultimately out of my control. It's no wonder that you get "pushy mums". 

I'm in a very lucky position as I choose to work because I want to. We have enough money to be flexible (although my salary is basically cancelled out by childcare fees!) and we have good support through my mother-in-law. I even get to travel on work conferences in the knowledge that someone else can look after little bean.

Taking a break from motherhood in the Lake District

I guess the secret is to live in the moment, using those wonderful 'Mindfulness' techniques my dad tried to teach me. Maybe one day I will be content with my lot.

 What do you think is the best balance?

Knitting for premature NICU babies

Last night, my craft club hosted a wonderful lady from the "Ray of Hope" charity to give us a talk on the beautiful clothes that are created by volunteers for babies on the NICU.

The majority of items donated are knitted, and unsurprisingly people favour making little girls clothes. Apparently, this is because when knitting small items, they are very similar to dolls clothes, and dolls are invariably female. She started off by showing us a doll fully kitted out with typical items, the doll was representative of the smaller babies found on the NICU and it was incredible how tiny it was - not much heavier that a pound and about what a 24 week baby might look like. The fact that that is smaller than the bean currently cooking in my oven really made me realise just how early and underdeveloped these babies must be.

Before the talk, I had knitted up a couple of (what I thought were tiny) hats, one for a boy and one for a girl (and some very dodgy booties, I will never manage to make 2 that match!). However, mine looked huge in comparison and I hadn't considered the fact that these babies are in ventilators. Ray of Hope have designed teeny tiny hats with "flaps" on the top to allow babies to be closely monitored and fitted with all the necessary tubes.

Perhaps it wasn't the best talk to go to in my heightened emotional state - I was never emotional before getting pregnant but even hearing Jeremy Paxman's closing statement when leaving Newsnight made me cry (even though I dislike the man and have never watched Newsnight!). The clothes are so tiny, and a lot of premature babies are very poorly. The Ray of Hope also help with bereavement, offering photography of babies that don't make it and providing tiny "angel gowns" and presents to help the family deal with their loss.

I feel so lucky to have had such a straightforward pregnancy and healthy baby the first time round, and fingers crossed it all goes well again this time. But I will take time to think of those who are less fortunate and have another go at knitting some clothes for these special babies.

If you feel inspired, ask your local hospital or midwife if they are in need of anything in particular. Here is a link to the knitting patterns created by Ray of Hope:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/stoke/hi/people_and_places/newsid_8674000/8674298.stm

Top picks for affordable outdoor toys for toddlers

Now we have this lovely weather (although how long it lasts, who knows!!) the best thing to do with children is get outside. I am slowly turning our back garden into a toddler paradise to avoid trips to the park. This avoids me having to park a bag (yes we need snacks, even just for a quick park visit), having to lift children in and out of swings and steer them away from 'dangerous' park equipment - the worst is when she decides to climb onto/off a moving roundabout.

So here are some of my favourite toys:*

Crocodile seesaw: £15, ELC (currently on sale)

Sand/water play table: £9.99, Home Bargains

Pop-up tent and tunnel: £15, Argos

Slide: £19.99, B&M stores

And some of my not-so-cheap favourites:*

Little Tikes car: from £40, Home Bargains (always causes a lot of arguments during play dates, but toddlers driving cars is just too cute!)

Wendy house: from £50, Toys R Us (best to choose one that you like and looks nice in your garden)

*I ALWAYS prefer second hand outdoor toys, but there is a severe lack of them on second hand selling websites once summer is upon us!

A bit about me

Yes that's me. Don't worry, I'm not crazy! Let me start from the start. I'm Sam, mummy of a lovely little 18 month old nutter [bean] and incubating another bundle of fun [bean2, due in August].

Before getting pregnant the first time, I was suffering from anxiety caused by grief after my dad passed away in 2012. He was a wonderful man but sadly lost his battle with cancer at 59, five months before I got married. It really sucked (obviously!) and I always bottled up my emotions which ended up causing my mental health issues.

Luckily I finally met a wonderful councillor who helped me work though my feelings and learn to talk about my problems. After having bean, I suffered with post-natal depression. It left me feeling like a useless mother and comparing myself to mums I saw on social media.

What no-one tells you is social media only shows you people's life though rose-tinted spectacles. You never see photos of their kids watching Cbeebies eating a snack (we all do this for 5 minutes of peace!) or hiding your head in the fridge so you can have a biscuit! [NB: I love biscuits!].

I hope this blog will document life as a mummy though a normal pair of glasses and give you a few giggles along the way.

Here it goes!